Lead, Kindly Light
Mar. 4th, 2014 08:09 pmLead, kindly Light, amid th’encircling gloom, lead Thou me on!
The night is dark, and I am far from home; lead Thou me on!
Keep Thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene; one step enough for me.
I was not ever thus, nor prayed that Thou shouldst lead me on;
I loved to choose and see my path; but now lead Thou me on!
I loved the garish day, and, spite of fears,
Pride ruled my will. Remember not past years!
So long Thy power hath blest me, sure it still will lead me on.
O’er moor and fen, o’er crag and torrent, till the night is gone,
And with the morn those angel faces smile, which I
Have loved long since, and lost a while!
The story of how John Henry Newman came to write the words is, I suppose, fairly well known:
Before starting from my inn, I sat down on my bed and began to sob bitterly. My servant, who had acted as my nurse, asked what ailed me. I could only answer, "I have a work to do in England." I was aching to get home, yet for want of a vessel I was kept at Palermo for three weeks. I began to visit the churches, and they calmed my impatience, though I did not attend any services. At last I got off in an orange boat, bound for Marseilles. We were becalmed for whole week in the Straits of Bonifacio, and it was there that I wrote the lines, Lead, Kindly Light, which have since become so well known.
For years, this hymn was That One With More Tunes Than Anything Else In The Hymnbook. For some reason, we never sang it at any of the churches I grew up at. My first encounter with it came when I moved out and started floundering around in the adult world. Ever since then it has been That One That We Sing Just Before Spring That Makes Me Cry.
For years, I have had trouble with depression, particularly in the winter. I remember, back in 2009 and 2010, feeling impossibly stuck, as if I were blundering along a muddy path in thick fog, sure that there must be an easier, more interesting way to get where I was going (wherever that was, which I didn't know), trying to trust that if I only kept putting one foot in front of the other something would emerge from the gloom. The first verse of this hymn encapsulates how it was then, and how it has been from time to time since.
The second verse has never resonated in quite the same way - except for the first line: I was not ever thus, which I have used, in my private journal, as a tag to signify depression-related topics, an it gets better. I was not ever thus, and I will not always be thus.
A slightly perverse rendering of verse 2, perhaps, but look at the third verse, the last line. And with the morn those angel faces smile, which I have loved long since, and lost a while. I do not know what Newman meant by the angel faces. I know what I mean. It's the messengers, the traces of God in creation and in my fellow human beings; and my capacity to notice and appreciate that is implied in I have loved. Depression steals my capacity to love, and usually all I can do is trust that the time will come around again when it lifts. By the end of the hymn I am in floods of tears.
This year, though, I didn't cry. This year I didn't have to. This year I haven't lost any of the angels. This year I have remembered how to love them. Amen.